“Though some women veer away from traps at the last moment with only minor losses of fur, far more stumble into them unwittingly, knocked temporarily senseless, whole others are broken by them, and still others manage to disentangle themselves and drag themselves off to a cave to nurse their injuries alone.” ~ Women Who Run With The Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes
After unexpectedly meeting two powerful teachers whilst abroad last year, my work upon coming home has begun to focus on my relationships with others and the patterns of mine that I have been forced to notice.
I’m a strong and confident person and I’ve always been happiest when I’ve been single, so I couldn’t help but wonder why whenever I get myself into relationship dynamics, and often ones I don’t see coming, I seem to become weak and a lesser version of myself.
I have processed a lot of anger around allowing myself to have become entangled with people who didn’t serve me whilst also being forced to look at my lack of ability to receive at times BECAUSE of my strength.
These are some of the narratives I have been running in my mind whilst processing my challenging year:
“You must be really pathetic to have allowed yourself to have been controlled by those people”
“You’re not good enough because you obviously haven’t learnt these lessons yet and you’re almost 35 years old”
“You fucked up and deserved everything you got”
“I can’t believe you behaved so stupidly and revealed yourself to people you couldn’t trust”
I’m sure you’ll agree that these are tiring narratives and ones we would never say to our close friends, and yet we say them to ourselves and sometimes believe them.
But then I read an article a friend sent me entitled “Why strong people often attract difficult relationships”.
It talked about the different types of relationships that show up in our lives to teach us deep lessons: soulmates, karmic connections, life partners.
The list went on but the sentiment was the same;
these kinds of experiences tend to come to those of us that are extremely awake, wise, aware, and strong, simply because we are ready for them.
Only those of us who are ready and who are strong enough will be able to grow when these people show up in our lives.
I no longer hold strong beliefs around or attach to different ‘types’ of spiritual relationships, nor do I want to preach to others about them, but the words did allow me to ease up on my thinking. I hope they will also allow you to ease up on yourself too if you’ve had a narrative running lately that simply isn’t serving you.
Personally, my dynamics last year felt undeniably karmic because they became so messy, confusing, painful and dark and one in particular was a huge influence over the other meaning I wasn’t myself at all whilst away from home and so isolated. Every single one of my childhood fears and wounds was reopened; commitment, abandonment, fears about money and business (stemming from watching my parents struggle), self-worth and value, so that they could finally be brought to the surface to be healed, and I engaged in behaviour that was completely run by my inner child rather than my wise self, so that I could finally learn the painful but necessary lessons I needed to learn to become the woman I am now becoming. Those experiences were terrifying for me and what I allowed to unfold was deeply hurtful, but what can often follow is an even more painful period of blaming and shaming ourselves which takes us further into the dark, and further away from our truth.
So if you’ve been worrying that you’ve fucked up, that you’re weak, that you’ve allowed yourself to be controlled, abandoned or hurt by a partner or friend, or that you’ve opened up to someone and realised they weren’t the person you could trust, and you cannot fathom how you let this happen to you, remember this…
…you are anything BUT weak. You are strong. You always were. And these experiences are ‘clearing’ experiences that are making you even stronger so that when the right people come into your life you will know and you will also better trust your initial instincts rather than opening yourself up to more unnecessary hurt around the wrong people.
The Universe only gives you what you’re ready for, so if you’re a fellow light worker, someone who is ready and willing to do this deeper work, someone who knows there is a bigger reason as to why we’re all here, then don’t ever allow yourself to feel ashamed or weak after Dark Night of the Soul experiences like these.
As long as you understand that there are no mistakes, only lessons, then you will grow exponentially and move closer to the truth of who you really are, and that is the only truly fulfilled place any of us can ever really live and thrive from.
Keep going, Nat xx
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